Springlike

This year I struggled with the transition "winter into spring". My winter was hard, it was simply a time where I was hiding from the world and a part of me still wants to go back. As a winter lover, I love snow and frosty days but sunny. I got disappointed by this mild winter and the early spring.

Now I start liking it even when my allergies often stop me from the joy of walks. I walked a lot this winter, apart from sitting indoors and writing on my new book. The book was one of these life-saviours. It showed me where my anchors are belayed in the world, in people, in lands, in music.

The last year and this winter changed me. I tested, checked my further interests before the pandemic. I still loved to dress up but on the other hand I felt not the same confidence and pride I once felt. When the day ended and I came home from something beautiful, the emptiness came back to me.

Since Scotland there is not much that can fill me. At least not for long. Nature is often the only "thing" that can. Music does. The last concerts of two of my favourites (The Pineapple thief and Wallis Bird) gave me a lot of inspiration but also healing power. For a couple of days I had no asthma and felt like new-born.

Now I know, I need to be brave and step out of my cocoon and of some excuses and habits. Another visit by the sea showed me what's actually wrong in my life and how to end this. Some things are pretty hard, some things mean a lot of work. A part of me still wants to escape from everything, back into winter's caring arms.

But the sun, the blossoming trees have no patience with me. I need to accept the growth, even when I am not fully ready. It's the opposite of last year where I couldn't wait for spring and experienced so many cold days in Scotland and on an island. It let me stay inside and forced me to meet my grief and my connection to Scotland because after I left, I was lost. I didn't understand that the island time was a healing time. Something I wouldn't get somewhere else.

As spring showed up and the sun appeared, I came slowly back to life. 

This year I will need a lot of "cocoon time" and it doesn't matter if it's spring, summer or autumn. I needed to let winter go, my old companion. Because this spring I made new connections in my seaside resort Oostende. Artists who inspired me, a museum as a piece of the Atlantic wall impressed me and moved me. It inspired me for new poems and give me the idea for future projects.

It's time to step back into life and keep writing. My life will change a lot this year. It started already.